SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
More Jokes
Repeat That, Mate?
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line
Steven Wright on Language Tapes
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary
Baseball bat: a wooden or
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place…
Friendly Competition…
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
A Priest, A Minister, A Rabbi And A Bear
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him …
Film Plots, Badly Explained
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot
explanations.
• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry…
What An Ugly Duck…
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter …
No Bedside Manner
I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have
a better chance of dying from the
…
A Fly-Killer’s Pickle
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time,
I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
…
Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
—Michael Ian Black,
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
Aged To Perfection
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old…
If You Need Something Done Wrong…
“Next time I send a damn fool,
I go myself.”
—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
